Question by Confused: To divorce or to try to work on things…?
I will ultimately make my own decision, but would love some advice from people who may (or may not) have been in similar situations.
Here goes…
Almost two years ago I got married. Ten months into our marriage (and while I was 5 month pregnant) I found out that he was cheating. He was a member of a sex/hook-up website, and would post and answer postings on craigs list. None of the encounters were relationship-like, they were pre-meditated one-night stands. I am 30, slim, and considered extremely attractive. These women were age 35 – 55, overweight, and most hagared-looking (not to be mean, just trying to lay the facts out.) He travels with work, so would set up these encounters while he was in various other cities. When I discovered this, he turned over passwords, so that I could access the various online accounts and read e-mails, etc. Between that exploration and discssions with him, he admitted to 5 physical affairs over the course of the previous 7 months (3 months after our marriage) and multiple online-only/chat/dirty talk encounters. It later came out that this type of risky behavior had been going on for about the last 5 years, stopped briefly during our courting and early marriage, and then began again. Because of my values/Christian beliefs about the sanctity of marriage, and importance of forgiveness, AND the fact that I was pregnant and did not want this poor child to come from a divorced home, we went to counseling and tried to make things work. (Thankfully, we were disease free, also.) In counseling, it came to light that he has a sex addiction, and a self-esteem/body image problem (he used to be vary large, and now works very hard to keep a very fit physique.) He comes from a great family, and his parents are still happily married. He was not sexually abused as a child. And as far as the body-image issue, that is all in his head. I do not care if he does put on some lbs., and have told him that. I actually hate that he is so obsessed with his body.
The relationship has not been easy since then, but I can honestly say that I have tried to make the best of things.
Now, here we are, one year after I found out about the first set of affairs, and he has had another one.
What I know so far: In January he set up another fake e-mail account and has been cruising the personals sections of craigs list and something called backpage. In May, he joined a website that would allow him to meet transexuals (men who dress up as women.) In June he had an encounter with a female prostitute. When I discovered that he had been cheating, he once again immediately gave me the accounts and passwords, so I have copies of the correspondences. It looks to be true, that he only had the one physical affair, but has corresponded with several. But, the types of people are discusting. He has e-mails to and from married couples, where the husband wants to watch the wife with another man; and e-mails where he is attempting to negotiate with transexuals on prices, and talks about the size of their nether-regions. There are also photos of large-size women naked.
He claims that he has never been with a man, and never wants to, he is just curious about those types of people.
He has cried, and apologized, and begged for me to stay with him. He says he has a problem and wants help. He says he wants to be normal, and wants to get better for me and for our son.
I know that most of you are going to say that I am crazy for even considering to stay. I know I would say that to someone else! But, once you are in the situation it is different. I do not want my son to grow up in a divorced household! Plus, and am now 30, and want more children – there is the whole biological clock thing… But, I also do not want my son to grow up with a father that has these discusting habits.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Should I stay, because there is a chance that he could get better? Or should I leave before things get worse?
To address how I feel about sex. Before all this, I had a healthy outlook on sex, and a great appetite. Willing to try things and have fun, etc (nothing crazy like group sex or anal.) Now, I do not know, he disgusts me. I do still crave healthy, normal sex, but I do not want to touch him.
Best answer:
Answer by primalclaws1974
Way too long, but although I fought my divorce tooth and nail, it happened anyway. You might as well go gracefully.
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